Before Hockey- My First Love


“O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; Nor do I involve myself in great matters, Or in things too difficult for me. 2Surely I have composed and quieted my soul;
Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me. 3O Israel, hope in the LORD From this time forth and forever.” Psalm 131

Woah.  Did you read the end, did you read the end?  “Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me. 3O Israel, hope in the LORD From this time forth and forever.”  Have you ever seen a Mom of three or four kids….once of which is a baby and all around is chaos- the three year old is in the bathroom begging for help to wipe, the four-year-old is running around as Superman and the sauce on the boiler is bursting, phone is ringing, Dad is arriving home, clothes are washing, lawnmowers mowing, dog barking, cat meowing, carpet needs cleaning-yet closely and intentionally placed is the baby- sound asleep on Moms’ chest. Baby is in complete and utter peace, nestled and settled there with Mom while chaos ensues around.  I have days, even as an almost thirty-year-old where I just drop my head, pout my lip and say “I want my Mommy.”  What strikes me the most is the picture that verse paints and how loudly speak to the chaos of my soul. I want for peace. I want for rest.  I long for quietness.  I have been contemplating this passage for some time, and desiring to my core what it speaks of but have yet been able to figure out how to achieve that kind of peace.  Don’t get me wrong- I have peace in my everyday life.  Things break, businesses fail, you need to take a business loan out with THOSE people you said you never would, people fail, dogs pee, bugs bite and so and so on…and I manage to get through relatively intact and somewhat sane.  What I am longing for is that intimate, up close and personal trust and love in my Savior so much so that I can just throw it all up in the air, put my head down and settle before my Father with a “he’s got this” trust.

After a lot of praying, thinking, and some rather obvious hints from God I have realized the answer is right there- right in Psalm 131.  Notice how King David starts off by saying his heart is not proud.   I could go on and on about pride but to be honest…it’s something I currently struggle with.  What I can say is- any amount of pride, any reason for one’s pride can and will keep you from an intimate and honest relationship with Christ.  If we at all think our good deeds, thoughts, or moments of comedic relief are because of our wisdom, sense of humor or knowledge then how in the world can we find the peace that transcends all understanding when we don’t believe we need Christ?  Nothing good comes from me.  Nothing wise comes from me.  The laughter from a joke I make is not mine. The good thoughts that bounce around in my head isn’t mine.   The only thing that comes truly from me is a sin.  Everyday I am new, and too often I somehow convince myself I had something to do with it.  The more humbled I get (ok embarrassed too), the closer to God I feel, and that directly correlates with the letting go of pride.

Now notice how King David says his eyes are not haughty in other words he sees himself as the wretched human being he is- and sees how desperate he is for Christ.

The next verse “Nor do I involve myself in great matters or things too difficult” caused me to pause for a bit. It caused me to pause so much, that as I type this, it’s three days after the “pause.”  I have experienced a circumstance that was too much. It evoked fear, mistrust, confusion, fear of death, concern, compassion, patience, and pretty much any other emotion.  I have been burdened like I never thought possible and, again, Psalm 131 kept running through me.  Normally, I am a talker, and a situation like this would cause me to retreat to my friends, family, or anyone.  I did talk to my most trusted friend, and although it was helpful it left me completely and utterly empty- it was not what I needed.  My burden was still heavy, and my spirit broken.  I retrieved to myself for a bit- not talking to anyone, not even my husband.  My soul quieted.  After hours of this state, I laid in bed, rolled over and overcome with my grief and burden I brokenly said, “Lord” to start talking to Him in a way I never have.  I needed Christ.  I wanted Him.  I was almost saying “Lord” in a way to check to see if he was even there….and as I quickly as I said “Lord” came to the response “Yes” as if He was there all along, just waiting for me.  I was overcome with relief, gladness, joy and comfort because for the first time I sank- I fell into my Fathers arm knowing He was there. I felt Him and wept.  Like a newborn child….I rested in complete peace.   The reason I feel this experience to be so relevant to this verse in this passage was that, finally, I knew this burden was too high for me.  I NEEDED my Lord.  I chose to not involve myself in this matter; I decided instead to seek Christ.

“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” Luke 11:9

To whoever reads this- I have , 3with my entire heart and soul, sincerely sought my Father.  I have longed for Him.  When I didn’t feel He was there (which has been the pastthreeyears) I searched harder.  At times my heart grew weary but I trusted, I believed, I always fell back on what I knew and I have been greatly blessed.  I don’t pretend at all to all of the sudden have it figured out, but I am sure- sure that if you do the same you too will be blessed with the presence and sight of our heavenly Father.  And like me, you will be changed forever.

Like a weaned child I am before my King, and he carries me.  My soul is quiet, and my heart full.  My eye’s are not haughty for they are fixed on my King.  I am a sinner in need of a savior…my hope and joy come only from Him…….